Archive for the ‘Notes from the Farm’ Category

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Notes from the farm- The Farmer Blow

July 16, 2009
Real farmers don't use tissues

Real farmers don't use tissues

photo- Kristen Dillon

The Farmer’s Blow
By Feet Banks

The morning air out in the field is clean and cool, filtered from the night’s dew and mist from the irrigation. But even so, to live on a farm is to have a runny nose.
Even if you don’t suffer from hayfever farm life is a hot, dusty affair and the clean morning air loosens up another day’s worth of dust, seed, pollen and the occasional bong hit. And here is where the Farmer’s Blow comes in.
Utterly unpopular with mothers, fiancés, girlfriends and spouses of any kind, the farmer’s blow, when performed properly, is a quick and easy (not to mention sanitary and environmentally sound) way to keep the sinuses clear and the fresh air a-flowin’.

Step one – Inhale deeply, hold.
Step two – Place a single forefinger alongside the least plugged nostril, push it closed.
Step three – Ensuring one nostril is sealed, lean forward in the direction of the nostril you want to clear, away from your shirt and overalls.
Step four – Blow hard and sudden. Visualize a whale’s blowhole spouting water into the sky.  Try to achieve that same sound.
Step five – Check nose and upper lip for hangers. It should be all clear but less experienced farmer’s blowers may need to drag a finger and thumb across to catch residual shrapnel. Wipe on sock, pants, or if nearby, dog.
Step six – Repeat on other nostril, if needed.

It sounds gross, and when improperly attempted it often is, but the farmer’s blow is truly the only option when you’re ten acres from the nearest roll of toilet paper. Only children wipe their snotty noses on their sleeves and while handkerchiefs were popular back in the day I’m against carrying around a snotty rag in my pocket all the time. And those little plastic packets of drug store tissues will only get you laughed right out of any farming town worth its salt.
So the farmer’s blow it is. Practice makes perfect but there is no cleaner air than in the middle of a hay field at sunrise so you might as well clear up the passages and enjoy it.  This is what people talk about when they say, “Good country living.”

© Feet Banks 2009

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Notes from the Farm- Mice are stupid

July 3, 2009
Mice are stupid

Mice are stupid

text and photo by Feet

Mice are stupid. You can kill an entire horde simply by putting the same trap with the same cheese in the same place day after day. You’d think after the second mouse disappeared the rest would start to clue in.
Sort of like– “Hey, where’s Harold? Last I heard he was heading out to the frontier and I haven’t seen him since.”
And then the next mouse says – “Weird, that’s what Tobias said and he’s been gone for two days. Maybe we should mount a search.”
And on the way they make gay jokes about their two absent buddies until…
“Holy fucking shit. There’s Harold. He’s dead, man. He’s crushed under..what is that thing? And where’d that nice looking hunk of cheese come from?”
And the other – “Noooooo. Harold, no…He was so young… and…. Shit. Help me, dude. Help me get him out of this clamp so we can at least give the guy a proper funeral..Uhhnngg, it won’t budge. Why? Why God, you stinking turd? Why Harold?”
And the first – “Hey dude, calm down. There’s nothing we can do. At least Harold died out in the field, man, exploring and doing what he loved. Not holed up in the wall like some friggin’ termite. Harold lived more in one day than most mice do in their lives….”
And the first mouse pats the other mouse on the shoulder, adding – “And Tobias too. Come on Eddie, let’s go home.”
“Yeah, sure, but grab that cheese.”
And so the mice go to mourn and feast and remember the good times.
And the next morning you’ve got Eddie in the trap.

Everyone likes to talk about how cats are so smart but it’s easy prey that makes them look so great. Stupid, easy prey

©FeetBanks 2008