Real farmers don't use tissues
photo- Kristen Dillon
The Farmer’s Blow
By Feet Banks
The morning air out in the field is clean and cool, filtered from the night’s dew and mist from the irrigation. But even so, to live on a farm is to have a runny nose.
Even if you don’t suffer from hayfever farm life is a hot, dusty affair and the clean morning air loosens up another day’s worth of dust, seed, pollen and the occasional bong hit. And here is where the Farmer’s Blow comes in.
Utterly unpopular with mothers, fiancés, girlfriends and spouses of any kind, the farmer’s blow, when performed properly, is a quick and easy (not to mention sanitary and environmentally sound) way to keep the sinuses clear and the fresh air a-flowin’.
Step one – Inhale deeply, hold.
Step two – Place a single forefinger alongside the least plugged nostril, push it closed.
Step three – Ensuring one nostril is sealed, lean forward in the direction of the nostril you want to clear, away from your shirt and overalls.
Step four – Blow hard and sudden. Visualize a whale’s blowhole spouting water into the sky. Try to achieve that same sound.
Step five – Check nose and upper lip for hangers. It should be all clear but less experienced farmer’s blowers may need to drag a finger and thumb across to catch residual shrapnel. Wipe on sock, pants, or if nearby, dog.
Step six – Repeat on other nostril, if needed.
It sounds gross, and when improperly attempted it often is, but the farmer’s blow is truly the only option when you’re ten acres from the nearest roll of toilet paper. Only children wipe their snotty noses on their sleeves and while handkerchiefs were popular back in the day I’m against carrying around a snotty rag in my pocket all the time. And those little plastic packets of drug store tissues will only get you laughed right out of any farming town worth its salt.
So the farmer’s blow it is. Practice makes perfect but there is no cleaner air than in the middle of a hay field at sunrise so you might as well clear up the passages and enjoy it. This is what people talk about when they say, “Good country living.”
© Feet Banks 2009
