Life is about knowing when to say, 'Why the Hell not?'
(Note- Start-up magazines and websites in Whistler keep asking me to write them articles and then the mag never actually happens. This piece of wisdom has been kicked around for almost a year now and never seen publication.~Feet)
Fight Fire with Rubber- Free condoms prevent that telltale burn.
By Feet Banks
The days of free love are over. You can find a lot of cheap love in Whistler, or even hand-me-down love but the free variety is a thing of the past. Luckily, we still have free condoms.
I remember the first time I bought a condom. I was seventeen and didn’t spend much time in public restrooms (or I would have certainly used a handy vending machine) so the only place to buy ‘domes’ was at the Pharmasave.
Of course there was a super cute girl working the till, the only till open (it was slow season and I was looking to catch the spring rut.) I strolled the aisles– shopping, avoiding suspicion, and making sure to read a few pages of a magazine until the coast was clear. Then, with the precision of a master criminal, I dipped out of my comfort aisle and entered the realm of prophylactics.
Condom companies probably spend millions of dollars to ensure that when some nervous kid reaches for that first pack it’s their brand he goes for. I did just that– instinctively grabbed some Trojans. But then I noticed a no-name three-pack of coloured ones- red, yellow, blue, Cool. Rubber Ducky Condoms, with a suave looking cartoon duck on the box.
Adrenaline and the sense of discovery flooded through me– not only would I (hopefully) be having sex that weekend, I’d be doing it with a yellow cock!
But the hot chick at the till was still a problem. To bypass the teenage embarrassment of buying rubbers off someone you wouldn’t mind using them on I decided to double it up and grabbed a tube of Preparation-H as well. I’m pretty sure I had no idea what Hemorrhoids were back then (still don’t really) but I knew they were embarrassing enough that maybe she wouldn’t notice that I was spending my snow-shoveling money on a pack of rainbow dong-bags.
It didn’t work. She just looked confused, as if the two purchases were somehow linked. And, I hate to admit, I didn’t ooze casual confidence either. Needless to say, I didn’t get laid that weekend anyhow so the whole effort was little more than a twisted learning experience.
The moral of the story– Stay safe and healthy and save your cash by simply picking up free condoms at the bottom of the stairs at the Health Care Centre. There’s a nice big box on the wall and never anyone around. It’s a quick in-and-out operation (not unlike teenage sex.)
Unfortunately the Public Health people don’t offer coloured condoms in their arsenal but beggars can’t be choosers, and if you get their on the right day they sometimes have those tiny satchels of Lube. I’m not going to tell you what day they re-stock the box either. For that info, you’ll have to man-up and head upstairs to ask someone. See if they have any plans for a free Prep-H box while you’re at it.
